I had a really crappy training yesterday. I was on the verge of tears nearly the whole time. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. My confront was out the window and my control was somewhere in the next county. I just hope Laura’s ear feels better by now, after I elbowed her in the side of the head.
After class I had a good long ♥2♥ with Sifu. I knew I was a mess. It’s the nerves. It’s more than nerves. It’s fear and doubt and uncertainty and am I good enough to be a black belt.
Sifu said anywhere from two to six weeks before a black belt test, doubts arise. Everyone’s gone through it. Plus I’ve just had a significant emotional trauma that has opened up the floodgates of emotion.
It needs to be worked through. It can’t be suppressed, but I shouldn’t wallow in it, either. My biggest challenge is my head, my mental state. Better to work that out now than right before, or worse, during a test.
I’d feel a lot better if I had a crystal ball that could tell me whether I pass or not. If I knew ahead of time I was going to pass, I could just do the test. I would still do my best, but I wouldn’t have the uncertainty of outcome hanging over me.
Sifu told me what I need to do in the next few weeks: visualize the test. Visualize positive outcomes. If negative thoughts come up, just back up and rerun the visualization, replacing the negative with the positive.
Everyone tells me I can do this. I’m just not feeling it right now.