The better it gets, the worse it gets.

Posted Sun Oct 23, 2005, 23:31 PM by Tracy | |

Mom’s mental acuity is improving. I can tell. She’s asking about her finances. She’s demanding to see bills. She’s insisting that I not pay her bills until she’s had a chance to look at them.

She’s getting ruder.

I’ve been managing my mother’s finances (heck, I’ve pretty much been managing her life) for more than a year. I have made sure that she is taken care of.

Is she grateful? Is she appreciative? Not that I can tell. If anything, she’s resentful that I have “taken over”.

E gets really irritated with Mom, especially when he can see the strain this is on me. He lost his cool today when we were visiting. Mom was asking about a hospital bill (which I had already paid) and E wanted to know why she was fixating on that particular bill. He asked her how many bills she’s paid in the last year+. She did not like that one bit. He told her she had been confused. She liked that even less. She told him not to argue with her. He said he wasn’t arguing, just stating the facts.

E told her she was ungrateful and walked out out the room. I just sat there. Then Mom turned on me, saying I didn’t stand up to E. What she really meant was I didn’t defend her. I didn’t speak up and say, no Mom’s not confused.

That’s an old thing with her. She has always expected me to defend her against any criticism, perceived or real.

It didn’t occur to her that I was thinking really loud, that’s because I agree with E, you are confused.

I proceeded to describe her regular monthly bills and their amounts. She didn’t like that I paid the bills without her seeing them. She didn’t want to pay any bill that I had already paid. She got very shirty with me when I asked how she was going to pay the bills. I know she doesn’t have any checks for her checking account. She out-and-out lied to us about having ordered checks from the bank months ago.

Mom wants to take back control of paying her own bills. So I agreed to have everything sent to her. I’m not offering help with paying bills unless she asks it. I will not be her taken-for-granted slavey.

  1. I’m so sorry you are having difficulty with your mom. Is it part of her disease? My dad has alzheimers and every once in awhile, he will get fixated on something and very angry. In speaking with others who have gone through this, I was told to simply acknowledge what they are fixated on and use feeling words like “I can see how that would be frustrating…” Or “I’m sorry you’re angry about this…” etc. And even though she makes a huge stink about taking care of the bills, you definitely should keep paying them for her. She may have a lucid point now, but that may not last, unfortunately. I would tell her that you will continue to pay the bills, but will send her copies of them to keep her up to date on what is going on. I hope that everything works out okay!

    laurelann    Tue Oct 25, 04:55 PM    #

  2. Any form of confusion and dementia is so frustrating because people don’t realize that they are impaired. A friend of mine who is a neurologist told me that people who say “I keep forgetting things, I must have alzheimers.” don’t have alzheimers and the people who do, don’t think anything is wrong with them. I’d say keep paying her bills and give her copies so she can go over them and give you the “OK.” (even though it’s all taken care of).

    Kungfukitten    Wed Nov 2, 02:06 AM    #


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