I’m twelve again!

Posted Mon Jun 20, 2005, 15:58 PM by Tracy | |

Blurted out of my mouth as the opening theme of Star Wars rose through the theater.

The music is one of the best things about Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, only because it evokes teenaged memories of watching the original Star Wars (Star Wars Classic™). Thirty years ago – before my co-workers were born.

Otherwise, the only thing that made the movie worth while (even light-sabre fights at hyper-speed get dull after too many repetitions) was the coda: Skywalker the Elder gets embedded in the big bad black suit, acquiring James Earl Jones’ voice in the process, baby Leia gets to be a princess while baby Luke is stuck on some god-forsaken sand planet with Uncle Owen and Auntie Em, and Albert Speer is hired as uniform designer for the new Imperial military.

Let’s not forget the previews. The Island, another Ewan McGregor film. I will always prefer Ewan McGregor as a skinny Scottish heroin junkie, but that’s just me.

A bunch of beautiful but not very smart people live in a highly controlled society. Occasionally one will be selected by a seemingly random process to move to a fabulous destination to begin a fabulous new life. One slightly smarter than average beautiful person figures out that no one ever comes back from the fabulous destination (but then, why would they?) and what really happens is they get killed. The truth is even more horrible than they imagine.

I have seen this movie before. It is Parts: The Clonus Horror, a piece of film-making excrement scraped from the underside of the bottom-most barrel in the landfill behind the Hollywood hills. It’s also one of the funniest episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

How desperate for ideas must film-makers be to raid MST3K archives for films to tart up with special effects and slightly improved production values? What’s next? Remakes of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Manos: The Hands of Fate? I certainly hope so!


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